Welcome back to Split Decision! Each week, we pose a question to our staff of knowledgable and passionate film geeks and share the responses! We may never know if it is legal to park in the center of Broad Street, but we’ll answer movie questions all day long. Chime in on Twitter, Facebook, or in the comments below!
This week’s question:
In honor of Ocean’s 8, you are able to choose the cast of another film to pull a ridiculous and complicated heist. Who is your team?
I’d love to see the cast and characters of Antichrist, fox included, pull a bank job. —Alex Rudolph
Let’s get the cast of Schindler’s List doing an Inglourious Basterds-style revenge mission on some f***ing Nazis, killing Hitler and Goebbels and burning down the rest of them in a movie theatre. Oskar Schindler could be in the Aldo Rayne role, while Itzahk Stern (Ben Kingsley) could be in the “Bear Jew” role. Amon Goeth (Ralph Fiennes) could fill a sort of Hans Landa role too. We’ll call it Schindler’s Revenge, and there could be some great one liners. Let’s imagine the list motif is repurposed to be a list of all the Nazis they’re aiming to kill. There would be a scene where Stern is about to kill a Nazi, and he says “The list…is DEATH.”–Andy Elijah
I would like to work with Lloyd Christmas (Jim Carrey) and Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels) of Dumb and Dumber to pull off a heist that funds their worm farm business. Because they spent their life savings turning their van into a dog, and are now several months delinquent on their gas bill, Harry & Lloyd have run out of options and must resort to robbery to survive.
The planning would take place in roadside diners across the country, with blueprints of the bank being unrolled across the table and held at its corners by ketchup and mustard bottles, as well as salt and pepper shakers (the salt being spilled, of course). Those eavesdropping on our conversations would hear us joyously planning our caper based on unsuccessful heists we saw in movies, like Dog Day Afternoon and Reservoir Dogs, where the robbers do not get away scott-free, but hey, Lloyd said the movie “was a good one!”.
For straight up laughs, I’d like to see the vampire roomies of What We Do in the Shadows orchestrate a heist. There would be so much hilarious infighting, as well as multiple situations in which members of the crew have to do some schmoozing in the day light, requiring both ridiculous protective costumes and a quick wit, the latter of which we know Vladislav, Viago, Deacon, and Nick don’t really possess. Romance will naturally blind one or all of the boys, and I could definitely see a gag where one has to make his way through a laser grid, falsely under the assumption that vampires are invisible to such a thing. Not to worry, our hacker, Stu, will handle the particulars. —Dan Scully
As much as I would love to see the cast of Prometheus reunite for a job, they’d probably find some new way to get themselves killed again. So going in the complete opposite direction, I would love to see a heist starring some of my favorite 1920s expats. That’s right, Midnight In Paris 2: The French Connection. The Fitzgeralds (Tom Hiddleston and Allison Pill). Ernest Hemingway (Corey Stoll). Salvador Dali (Adrien Brody). And more, all pulling a heist that probably involves time travel. —Ryan Silberstein
The cast of The Birdcage. The whole movie, as it exists, is an identity heist film. Of course everybody will have a bit and a touching arch. There will be great opportunities for Starina meltdowns and Gene Hackman being a dick while Dianne Weist squints and smiles. Maybe they’re still trying to fool he senator and his wife with an extended family schtick to add some extra layers? There will also be a nice “maneuver around lasers” sequence involving Agador tripping over his shoes. Oh, and a Martha Graham tribute by the Cagelles. But mostly importantly, not only would they get away with it in the end with a song and a smile, but the production values would be off the charts!!—Jenna Kuerzi
Author: Ryan Silberstein
Ryan spends his days at a company named one of the best to work for in the Philadelphia area, and his nights
as a mysterious caped vigilante saving his city from the disease that is crime watching movies. He lives on a diet consisting of film, comic books, experimental beer, black coffee, and those big metal historical markers around town. Follow him on Twitter and Letterboxd.