In Battleship, this summer’s big bet for toy-maker Hasbro, an alien race invades Earth and the planet’s fate is soon in the hands of a fleet of Naval ships that are locked in a death match with the extra terrestrials. With action as fierce as any Transformers movie and dialogue as cheesy as my previous sentence, Battleship director Peter Berg does all he can to distract viewers from the fact that this movie is based on a board game. Unfortunately for Berg, Hasbro, Universal Studios, and everyone else involved with this $211-million-dollar pile of shiny garbage, Battleship is a fireworks show that tries to make us believe it’s telling a story and overstays its welcome by at least an hour in doing so.
She: That movie cost 211 million dollars?!?! I don’t think it’s going to do very well.
He: Someone had to pay for all those explosions and B-list actors.
She: If I have to watch Rihanna spouting Naval jargon one more time…
He: That wasn’t even Naval jargon. It was flowery language for “E11. Hit!” I had no idea what she was doing in that movie. And yet, she was the biggest name in the whole film.
She: They needed a reason for more people to come see it. That’s why they cast eye candy like Brooklyn Decker and Alexander Skarsgard.
He: Well yeah, after they cast Taylor Kitsch, fresh off his other big box-office failure, John Carter, to carry an already sub par story with his average acting skills.
She: And Liam Neeson was in maybe 3 scenes total?
He: He was collecting a paycheck for sure.
She: I just don’t understand what aliens have to do with Battleship.
He: And the attempts to tie it back to the board game were absolutely cringe-inducing.
She: It’s as if the writers got together in a room and thought of every cool thing for a summer blockbuster that they possibly could, then forced everything into a movie and called it Battleship.
He: Just because you have a huge budget and great special effects doesn’t mean I’m going to care about any of it. See: Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Battleship gives good action movies a terrible name.
She: An absolute waste of time.
Battleship opens today in Philly-area theaters.