6+ Things You Forgot About Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

With the new Tomb Raider film coming out this Friday, and my enjoyment of the rebooted video game series, I thought it might be a good idea to revisit the first attempt at bringing Lara Croft to the screen. It was not a good idea.

  1. This film exists (almost) entirely in the male gaze

Angelina Jolie plays the titular character, and is also the only female character in the film with a speaking role. The only one. There’s an extended shower scene (this is PG-13, so it’s not like there’s even much about it that is erotic. Even the goo-goo faces that Jolie is making during the scene she is making all the time anyway, so unless you’re here for the upper back nudity, it’s pointless) as well as a scene where she is jumping on harnesses for no other reason than to set up a barely exiting action scene. She also doesn’t know how to microwave food correctly. Also, Jolie wore a padded bra to placate the whining of fanboys who thought she was wrong for the part. At least we’ve made a little bit of progress.

The “almost” in the header above refers to the best scene in the film, which involves some very good Daniel Craig nudity and one of the coolest showers I’ve ever seen outside of science fiction. Watch:

2. Lara Croft fights robots in a fake tomb

The film opens with Lara exploring a tomb until she comes across a robot that tries to kill her. Surprise! This is a training exercise and the robot is for training. Yet a full scale replica of an Egyptian tomb was built as well. From a filmmaking perspective, the robot is also ridiculous and plays zero part in the plot of the film, so why not just make the whole thing some kind of holodeck? This movie is super dumb.

3. Ser Jorah plays the bad guy

Iain Glenn has a really good accent. It really stands out against Angelina Jolie’s attempt at posh British and Craig’s American growl.

4. Jon Voight plays her dad

Yep! Angelia’s dad plays Lara’s dad. They even share one scene in the film even though he plays the dad to her in flashback because…

5. This movie involves time travel

Something about the Illuminati and planetary alignment. This movie is really really dumb.

6. When I thought it was the ending, there were actually over 39 minutes left.

It was also mostly boring and lifeless, which honestly, is far worse than dumb. I like dumb movies. There is also a sequel, which I am told is better, but I’ll probably never know.

Author: Ryan Silberstein

Ryan spends his days at a company named one of the best to work for in the Philadelphia area, and his nights as a mysterious caped vigilante saving his city from the disease that is crime watching movies. He lives on a diet consisting of film, comic books, experimental beer, black coffee, and those big metal historical markers around town. Follow him on Twitter and Letterboxd.

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